Golden Globes 2013! Live-blog!

Hey all – back again after long long radio silence to liveblog the Golden Globes! I’m dropping the timestamp this year. Just keep refreshing! I’ll be here!

• The Red Carpet Show (on E!) started three minutes ago and Ryan Seacrest is already annoying me. That being said, I would like one of those giant heat lamps on my fictional house with its fictional patio.
• Oh, Ross. He makes me uncomfortable. Also, I *still* don’t like Kelly’s silly hair.
• So, looking ahead to the actual awards: We haven’t seen many of the movies this year, but obviously that doesn’t stop me having lots of opinions. Here’s what I want to happen:
  • Best Drama: Lincoln. Because a) I haven’t seen Argo or Django Unchained and b) because Lincoln wasn’t actually that Spielberg-y.
  • Best Comedy/Musical: If it weren’t for my history as theater geek, I would absolutely say Moonrise Kingdom. But then Les Miserables happened and I can’t vote for anything else because I’m so excited about it.
  • Best Actor Drama: Daniel Day Lewis.
  • Best Actress Drama: Helen Mirren. Because she should win all the awards.
• Taking a break from my votes: Julianne Hough (when did she become A Thing?) has kind of awesome hair. I don’t like her dress, but I want those bug earrings.
• Also, Amy Adams is adorable, but her dress is blah. Of *course* she’s wearing Marchesa. *yawn*
• Claire Danes just said “I’m hoping I don’t leak anytime soon.” about having *just* had a baby like four minutes ago. Also, Claire Danes in Versace? No Calvin Klein! And her eye makeup is too much.
  • Best Actress Comedy: DAMN. How do I choose? Judi? Meryl? Maggie? Can they all win? I also deeply love Emily Blunt AND Jennifer Lawrence. Having seen none of the movies, I don’t have an opinion.
  • Best Actor Comedy: Ewan McGregor. Delicious.
• Michelle Dockery (oh, Lady Mary!) in Alexander McQueen, maybe? Fabulous gold and white, anyway.
• Katherine McPhee: I realize your boobs are in danger of making a serious prison break but STAND UP STRAIGHT.
• Isla Fisher bedazzled her dress.
  • Supporting Actor: Not Tommy Lee Jones. Phillip Seymour Hoffman was great.
  • Supporting Actress: I *guess* I wouldn’t mind Anne Hathaway winning this one, but what about Helen Hunt? She’s so fantastic?
  • Director: Kathryn Bigelow. Because those dudes win every time. I would also accept Ben Affleck.
• Zooey (the inferior Deschanel, says this Bones fan) in my prom dress. Pretty.
• File Brian Cranston under “Not Taking Giuliana’s Bullshit”
• Lena Dunham is cute. It’s a fantastic dress! Love the pleating in the skirt. Did Ryan Seacrest forget to ask who her dress is by?
• Seriously, haven’t we seen Amy Adams‘s dress about a gajillion times?
• So, gang, what’s the deal? Is Girls any good? Ought one to watch it? Also, Lena Dunham: I don’t pee in front of other girls. I think you might not be in the majority there.
• If you need more live-bloggy action: Go Fug Yourself
• AMY POEHLER AND TINA FEY OH MY GOD! Both fabulous. So effing exciting. But why is Tina Fey’s hair so light? And big?
• So, I really like Tina Fey‘s dress – the collar thing is kind of eighties-y, but I love the length. And Amy Poehler is rocking the shit out of that suit. I would have appreciated a slightly more unusual necklace with the jacket.  But of course, somewhere Celine Dion is asking “but why not backward?”
• So this year’s stupid interview theme is “tell us about your crazy fans.” I’m not that interested, but it’s better than diets.
• Also, dudes. Did you notice that BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH is nominated? Cumberbatch Cumberbatch Cumberbatch Cumberbatch Cumberbatch.
• Whenever I see Bradley Cooper I just think WILL TIPPIN!
• Is that Lucy Liu behind him? In that blue and black thing? Looks good to me! Also I just asked “is that Lucy Liu? and Lucy (the dog) looked up at me like “WHAT.”
• Okay, what’s with the faux-Elizebethan corset crotch pointy thing that’s happening with some of the dresses? Julianne Hough, Lena Dunham, Zooey Deschanel… Strange.
• Jodi Foster! Love the Hair, Love the Dress, Love the Makeup. Love. Armani. Obviously.
• Also, it WAS Lucy Liu. And I love it. It also seems to be continuing the faux-Elizabethan thing.
• I want to yank Olivia Munn’s dress up about an inch. Not far, but it seems a little droopy. Also, Ryan Seacrest didn’t do his homework about OM’s newsroom background.
• Sally Field looks great! Mature, but not too “Mother of the Bride.”
• Also, does Ryan Seacrest have a girlfriend? Really?!
• Aziz Ansari! Tom Haverford! Wearing Kevin Dior. Awesome. So much swag.
• RACHEL WEISZ. LOVE. She’s Number ONE on the list of celebrities I wish I looked like. For real.
• AZIZ ANSARI: “What is that? Based on my chocolate skintone?”
• Ooh, there’s Lucy Liu! who is the dress? Oscar? RYAN IS LETTING ME DOWN. Oh! Carolina Hererra! Cool! Though I will say her hair verges on the costumey.
• Michael J. Fox is looking pretty good! That makes me happy.
• Seriously, Amy Adams makes me sad every time they cut to her. So pale. So monochromatic.
• Jessica Chastain: I don’t know what your deal is, but I love your hair.
• Jennifer Lawrence: Her dress is not that exciting except for two things: Why are her boobs so pointy? And that metal belt is really cool. I like when her hair is brown too.
• CUMBERBATCH IS COMING UP! Cumberbatch Cumberbatch Cumberbatch Cumberbatch. I’ll have a giggle with you, Benedict. Oh, yes.
• Nicole Kidman has arrived. Her dress is also alluding to Elizabethan corsetry. It’s officially a trend.
  • Does it need to be said that I want Cumberbatch to win his category? I mean, really? KEVIN COSTNER? No. CUMBERBATCH.
• That Bailey’s ad was really trippy.
• Amanda Seyfried seems like she has NO confidence. Get it together. Also, it’s only a matter of time until she makes an ill-advised Madonna biopic.
• Hugh Jackman is delicious, but he needs to shave.
• On the subject of shoes. GEEZ some of those heels are TOO TALL. Jennifer Lawrence’s were at least SEVEN inches. Also, E! should just put a HANDRAIL on their platform! Dead air while these poor hobbled ladies struggle down the steep steps.
• Taylor Swift: She looks OLD. I like her earrings and I like her dress and her hair and everything, but I feel like it ages her about ten years.
• HAMM IN THE BACKGROUND! (Dan recommends a Hamm-Cam and I concur.)
  • I forgot about Julianne Moore in Game Change! Surely she’ll win, right?
• Jennifer Westfeldt looks very cool in Naim Khan. I approve.
• OH NO. Rachel Weisz is demonstrating the original meaning of Scrolldown Fug. I thought itwas so cute, but then OH. NO.
• Julianne Moore looks stunning in Tom Ford. So, SO great. But is it an inch too short?
• Nicole Kidman looks great! I wish her hair were a little redder. She’s in McQueen. Obviously. I don’t love the studs.
• Jennifer Garner in something shimmery and red.
• ADELE! I love her. The dress is a little mumsy but her eyelashes are MAJOR.
• Oh Sienna Miller. Oh, NO. UGH and it’s CUSTOM? Yikes.
• Marion Cotillard is gogeous. She’s also rocking the metal belt. Dior is into that this year. The assymmetrical hem is interesting. I think I like it?
• Julianna Margulies – hello illusion netting. Wow. Skin. OH! ER LOVE!
• Clooney is pretty. As always. I really don’t care about Stacey Keibler. Armani Prive. I guess it’s good.
• Kate Hudson is auditioning for the role of her mother tonight.
• Sofia Vergara looks fabulous. I love that dress and that it’s a slightly different profile for her.
• Hey, Ben Affleck. that’s a good beard.
• Kristin Wiig has an ill-advised cutout on her dress.
• Jennifer Lopez. Very predictable. Also, shut your mouth. Too much sexyface.
• Anne Hathaway! Great hair. Also, I’m going to say that she is pregnant. There’s no other explanation for the bodice of that dress. Which is not to say I don’t like it.
• Hooray Salma Hayek! Keeping the big-ass bow alive!
• “When it comes to torture, I trust the woman who spent three years married to James Cameron.” WOW.
• “I haven’t seen someone so alone and abandoned since I saw you on stage with James Franco at the Oscars.” Zing.
• SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MOVIE: Christoph Waltz! I love a German acceptance speech. Also, Quentin T. is silly and a little sketchy.
• SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES etc.: Come on Maggie…. YAY! And of course she’s not there. She’s so above it.
• Eva Longoria’s skirt is completely sheer. Do we like it?
• Mini-Series/Movie: Game Change! Hooray! Was Jonathan from Buffy in Game Change?
• Julianne Moore! As Sarah Palin! So crazy! A reminder: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOa98P_Mv68
• Catherine Zeta-Jones’s accent is really weird.
• Aida Tackla O’Reilly? Where the hell is she from? I like it when the President of the HFPA speaks.
• I would like to officially stop peplums from happening. It’s NOT GOOD.
• I want to die and come back as Salma Hayek.
• Actor TV DRAMA: Damian Lewis. So Homeland is good?
• Did the teleprompter completely crap out on them? Poor guys.
• BEST TV DRAMA: Homeland. Too bad for Downton. It’s not a good year for the family. This dude giving the most self-congratulatory speech ever.
• Christine is really freaked out by the Target cake mix ad.
• Argo: Worth all the hype it’s getting?
• Jennifer Lopez! She’s playing the blow-up doll version of herself in that dress. Ridic.
• Soundtrack: As long as it’s not John Williams, I don’t mind.
• Yay, Adele! Haha. Taylor Swift looks *pissed*.
• Kevin Costner?! OVER CUMBERBATCH?! HFPA IS DEAD TO ME. Poor Cumberbatch. Here, you can cry on my shoulder.
• BILLLLLLL! Lena Dunham’s face said it all.
• I mean, Lincoln has to win if they’re having Bill effing Clinton introduce it.
• Kristin Wiig and Will Ferrell are pretty cute.
• Emily Blunt might be one of my new favorites.
• Jennifer Lawrence! She’s so awesome. But seriously, all of them are so good in this category.
• Supporting actor TV: Ed Harris! He was excellent in Game Change.
• Supporting actress in a Movie: Anne Hathaway! She’s so cute. I hope she keeps her hair like that forever.
• We’re all agreed that both Amanda Seyfried and Robert Pattinson are odd looking.
• Screenplay! Quentin Tarantino? Surprising.
• EVERYONE should be like Jeremy Irons. What an odd, delightful class act.
• Debra Messing and Lucy Liu – That is a LOT of dress on one stage.
• Stallone and Schwarzenegger. So much macho. So many jaws.
• Claire Danes! I was hoping for Michele Dockery. Oh well. Glenn Close is sad.
• Sacha Baron Cohen – he’s always odd. But strangely sexy when not dressed as a random character.
• Animated feature? Brave! Hooray!
• Aziz Ansari and Jason Bateman! So excellent.
• Lena Dunham is super cute.
• Tina and Amy’s monologue: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmxBHtbAhoQ&feature=youtu.be
• Robert Downey, Jr. So great.
• Jodi Foster, also awesome. And I still love her dress. She’s just so great.
• So did Jodi Foster come out publicly? Is that what happened?
• Director! Ben Affleck, who is clearly as surprisd as we are!
• Ugh. Jay Leno. He can just fade away any time now.
• Best Comedy TV show: Girls! I guess we should watch it, then?
• Christian Bale is greasy, but still very attractive. I would also like to hear him doing Michael Caine.
• I’m sure Hugh Jackman is great, but I wish they would just give the award to someone in a COMEDY.
• So to come back to it, what was Jodie Foster on about? My sound cut out for the most (I think) important part of the speech (I guess she cursed? I would in that situation.). Is she quitting movies? I mean, sure she’s gay. What was that all about?
• Jeremy Renner is sketchy. And his little mustache is stupid.
• CHRIS PRATT is in Zero Dark Thiry?!
• What did COMCAST have to do with Les Miserables?! It’s Kabletown. Crazy.
• Actress Drama: Jessica Chastain! That’s exciting, I guess. It’s nice that a woman is winning for such a sausagey movie as Zero Dark Thirty looks to be.
• Actor in a Drama: Daniel Day Lewis! Hooray. Also, DDL’s language is NOT impoverished.
• Julia Roberts is there? Who knew?
• Best Drama! Here we go. Argo?! Wow.
• That’s a wrap, folks. Off to dream about Daniel Day Lewis ca. 1990.  See you back here on Feb. 24 for the Oscars!